I’m not going to lie, today was a very difficult day for me. I 
went to Wizard World Toronto this afternoon. As my friends know, this was a huge deal for me. As a massive geek, this would officially be my first BIG comic convention! In the early and mid-nineties I had been to the Victoria Comic Convention several times, but it wasn’t anything spectacular and I’d usually just end up getting my ass handed to me in the inevitable Magic: the Gathering tournament.
Here’s the thing, today I didn’t have fun! Now it’s unlike me to not have fun at any convention (long history of conventions), let alone a geeky, comic-book convention! But, I didn’t. I found it alienating and solidified something I’ve be thinking for a while: I’m not as much a geek as I used to be. I didn’t feel like I fit in with this subculture anymore. It’s been a slow build up, but the things I have been so passionate for over the past years have slowly been leaving my life. Comics, Videogames, Movies, Cartoons; I just don’t find the same enjoyment like a used to. Some may laugh and some may say “I’m growing up.” However I’m feeling it’s a little more, I’m feeling like I’m going through a loss of identity.
Movies were the first to go. Everyone in my life knows how much I wanted to produce movies. Maybe I still do! I’ve taken myself to some pretty fantastic places under this preconceived notion, however over the last year (maybe two years, realistically) this desire has started to dwindle. Thus I find myself back at school pursuing different avenues. I may come back to the industry, but at this point I don’t know. I even find some difficulty in just watching movies these days; well, at least most of the newer theatrically released films that is.
Video games also have lost their enjoyment for me. I have played video games all of my life, however over the past several months I’ve tried to rent some new games as a distraction from school. Waste of time across the board! With the exception of Bayonetta, I found very little enjoyment in any of them; especially Final Fantasy XIII, a true exercise in frustration.
I could also talk about how I recently culled my old action figure collection, but the biggest blow for my geeky identity has been falling out of love with collecting comics. I have been a comic nut since 1990, my childhood collection was ridiculous. Comics, along with cartoons, shaped who I am today in every aspect of my life. They provided many rich sources of inspiration for creativity in my life. As an adult, my collection seemed to grow exponentially. For the majority of the last decade I had been rebuilding a fantastic comic collection. Some months I’d buy up to twelve (+) titles per month; never 6 than six titles, usually never more than 12. You do the math! On December 3rd, 2008 I bought my last comic. It was terrible. I waited months for it and it let me downl I fell out of love with collecting comics instantly. Knowing some friends would enjoy them more than I would, I handed my collection over to them for this past Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I loved those comics, but they didn’t do for me what they used to.
I still read “The Boys” and “Scott Pilgrim” – both are fantastic and break alot of moulds – these titles are too hard to put down.
So back to today….. I went to a comic convention and found it very alienating. I wasn’t looking for anything, I wasn’t interested in anything. I just couldn’t get into my groove. I felt like an impostor or that I didn’t belong at the con. The distributors selling comic books or toys were all similar with much of the same inventory, and I felt incredibly uncomfortable with all of the pandering to celebrities. I’ve never understood autograph chasing and the entire middle of the con was “autograph alley,” a collection of sci-fi names, reality tv personalities and aging wrestlers. It was weird being so close to an aging Honkey Tonk Man, Iron Sheik, and Luke from the Bushwackers.
I left the con empty handed and came home with an identity crisis.
So where does this leave me? I don’t know. Maybe it’s a good thing that all of these former passions are on the back burner, it certainly opens me up to some other passions and hobbies. But I definitely need something to fill the new void.
Who am I kidding though, I’ll probably still go to Fan Expo.
What can I say? I’m stubborn!