1) You had me at Decepticon with pom-poms. The above video marks everything that is right with the internet. You know what everyone? I think we’re going to be okay, we’re going to be okay. *Cue California by Phantom Planet*

2) While we’re talking about parodies of anime, Grand Theft Auto has taken anime parodies to the next level…. and it is GLORIOUS. I originally saw the trailer on Topless Robot two weeks and it is too good not to share:

Princess Robot Bubblegum!!!!!!!!!!!

Potentially NSFW if your work frowns upon skimpily clad anime women, tentacles or brilliant cliches.

I’ve actually seen all of episode one and it is quite well done. For a cartoon within a video game I have to give mad props. Princess Robot Bubblegum reminded me very much of the shortlived Adult Swim series Perfect Hair Forever. Perfect Hair Forever was an incredible series that Adult Swim surprisingly has thus far not released on DVD. Each episode looked at a different anime series and parodied every possible cliche. Montage of it’s shortlived greatness can be found here.

3) Know what’s not great? Getting a terrible tattoo! Hitting the rounds this week is one of the greatest tattoos I have ever seen. A brave geek got a tattoo of Street Fighter’s shoryuken controller command up his entire forearm. Too bad he got it wrong!

4) If you loved the above, also check out Geeky Tattoos. These people have thus far been much braver and more awesome than I am, however my eventual Battle Cat tattoo will blow these out of the waters.

5) In unrelated news, Alan Moore is going to pen a libretto for the Gorillaz!!!!! This is so unexpected and so out of left field that I am thrilled. I can’t even fathom how awesome this is going to be. I will sit here waiting with open ears and an open mind, because anything could happen…. we’re talking about the man responsible for THIS KOOL-AID MAN COMIC afterall.

Oh apparently he’s written some other stuff too.

1) Welcome back! To celebrate the release of the G.I.Joe movie, I’m throwing a ton of GIJoe-esque material at you! Kicking it off perfectly is the above video. I have absolutely no problem saying that the Ballad of G.I. Joe is my favourite video on the entirety of the internet. This video makes my heart swell with joy. I was going to post my celebratory GIJoe post on Friday, but I’m glad I did not.

What’s there to say? A catchy tune, incredible costumes and look at the cast list! A small sampling includes Chuck Liddell as Gung Ho, Vinnie Jones as Destro, Zach Galifiankais as Snow Job & Billy Crudup as Zartan!

Anyways I want the mp3 and I think I can die a happy man after watching it. I’m not sure what’s better, seeing Snake Eyes paint landscapes or watching Cobra Commander dancing to Three Dog Night. Greatest. Video. Ever!

2) Now that you’re all revved up, perhaps you would like to learn how to be a gallant gentleman/terrorist bent on global domination? If so, you should check out Cobra Commander’s dating tips.

3)

I call dibs on being the Ninja! More GIJoe recruitment posters can be found at College Humor.

4) Don’t forget to also check out these incredible G.I. Joe/Cobra Nikes! I obviously plan to order 8 pair… of each style. I’m not going to lie, I would spend paycheque after paycheque on these guys. I would even steal your paycheque and spend your paycheque on these shoes. Surprisingly, there was never a G.I. Joe character named “Pay Cheque.” Probably would have been a much more appropriate name for an accountant than “Raptor.”

5) Even McSweeney’s is jumping on the G.I. Joe bandwagon!! Their “Journal of a New Cobra Recruit” is sheer brilliance. Honestly though, if Cobra had McSweeney’s writers on their payroll they may have had a little more success in their day. (See Exhibit A, ” Raptor.” May I add that Raptor didn’t wear a shirt and flew around without any weapons? Actually I’m not sure he flew; he may have just dressed up like a shirtless falcon and pushed paper around a desk).

Anyways internets, I’m glad to be back!

Props to artist Michael Johnson whose mind is a fantastic and terrifying place.

I’ve included my favourites below, however please check out G.I. Hoes for the rest of the gallery, which has ruined all of my childhood crushes.

Note: Cobra Commander is not one of my childhood crushes.

Who wants a body massage??

Edit: Apparently his name is Melvin

So I was sitting here last night eating my Mexican cereal and I was reminded of some other famous bipedal elephant heroes, such as Snout Spout, Elaroo, Max Rebo, Hooter and Joseph Merrick. Now most of these names I’m sure many of you have heard of, however I would bet not many of you have heard of…… The Power Pachyderms!!!!

Power Pachyderms was a magical Marvel one-off comic that combined all that was great about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the X-Men and Dumbo. Much like the TMNT it was hazardous material combining with innocent animals that formed these fierce fighting four. If I recall a circus train went off route and was in the blast radius of a gamma bomb (like the Hulk). The elephants on board then gave birth to four mutant bipedal elephants who were shunned from the elephant community (like Dumbo!) Oh yeah, these mutant elephants also had super powers. Are you with me so far?

Our four heroes then go their separate ways to find themselves and then eventually meet meet up as adults again. Mammoth could turn into organic steel much like Colossus, Rumbo was a short stocky elephant with retractable adamantium tusks, Trunklops could shoot lasers out of his trunk and Electralux, while named after a vacuum, was actually a Jean Grey/Elektra amalgam.

Electralux and Rumbo are the first to meet as adults, and the “enlightened” Perfect Masters inform them that Mammoth and Trunklops are still alive. Obviously they all meet again, but really I’m not sure where to go from here with my synopsis; I have read it hundreds of times, and I understand it less each time.

- They turn a boat into their headquarters in the middle of New York
- Their first villain, Clarinetto appears (Magneto, if Magneto lead a marching band)
- Electralux falls into radioactive goop and turns into Rogue Elephant (a Dark Phoenix parody)
- ……. and I believe the conclusion is that they discover being a super hero is a dangerous profession and quit

Oh yeah, did I mention Clarinetto leads a squad of super villains called the “New Musicians?” Oh, well he did. Naturally this villain team is composed of a young Whitney Houston, Bruce Springsteen, Cyndi Lauper, Willie Nelson and Madonna.

There isn’t much more to say except to cap things off the “Perfect Masters” end up being the Three Stooges.

Honestly, I forget why I even started writing this post. Half way through this post I felt like I was ruining a really good childhood memory and I think I need a drink now. As a kid, this was a hysterical and a very clever parody of everything that I loved about X-Men and Turtles; however, even as a kid I knew it had flaws. As an adult reliving this comic, it’s probably terrible. Next time I’m at home I’ll find this comic and read it in all of it’s glory. In the mean time I will leave you with this:

Thanks Rumbo....